Daftinitions

~ Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it

~ Allege: A rocky platform on a mountain

~ Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's

~ Arson: Our daughter's brother

~ Autobiography: A history of cars

~ Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do

~ Backward: Patient rooms at the rear of a hospital

~ Baloney: Where some hemlines fall

~ Bassinet: What every fisherman wants

~ Belong: To take your time

~ Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage

~ Book: A utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman

~ Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think

~ Budget: A method for going broke methodically

~ Bureaucracy: A method of turning energy into solid waste

~ Burglarize: What a crook sees with

~ Carpet: A dog that enjoys riding in an automobile

~ Circular Definition: See Definition, Circular

~ Coffee: Break fluid

~ Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

~ Condescend: A prisoner escaping down the wall using a rope

~ Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

~ Deduce: De lowest card in de deck

~ Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch

~ Diplomacy: The art of letting other people have your own way

~ Document: Repeating what your doctor told you in your own words

~ Dogma: A mother dog

~ Earthquake: A topographical error

~ Eclipse: What a gardener does to your hedge

~ Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist

~ Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers

~ Falsehood: Someone who pretends to be a gangster

~ Feast: An eat wave

~ Fission: What Huck Finn did when he played hookey

~ Flattery: Phony express

~ Geezer:  Formerly known as studmuffin

~ Geometry: What the acorn said when it grew up

~ Grateful: What it takes to build a good fire

~ Ground beef: A cow with no legs

~ Handicap: A ready-to-use hat

~ Hanging: A suspended sentence

~ Hari-Kari: Transporting a wig

~ Heroes: What a guy in a boat does

~ Hunger: What the posse did to the lady rustler

~ Hypochondriac: A guy who won't let well enough alone

~ Hypothesis: What a boy says to his father on the telephone

~ Indecision: Under the whether

Some Jokes

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy...." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments. " answered the lady.

 

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

 

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."  When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

 

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

 

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.  "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... "

 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

 

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the centre of attention.

 

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

 

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner" (USA 's national anthem). And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

12 Wrong "Facts"